rec(l)use

I stood under the flickering light of the incandescent tube and realized that i had taken my first conclusive step toward the madness that lurked within. not the happy undergraduate sort but a deeper madness with a darker hue. the sense of self left me for one brief moment, not unlike the inconsistent beam, and allowed the demon to rear its unbecomig head for the first time. i have seen what must not be seen, a glimpse of the future, my future and it wasn't pretty. i write today with a fear instilled by that premonition of reclusive-ness, of being alone. not by choice but by the hand of fear and suspicion, and the definite possiblity of its occuring.

i was never one to walk with the herd. a loner, but also the anti-loner. many acquaintances but few friends. and it suited me just fine. i like my freedom and i like to walk my own line, as skewed as it maybe. but yesterday as i sat, cigarette between my lips, a thin column of smoke rising lazily toward the cieling, the emptiness engulffed my present and hurried me hazily into the not so distant, not so inviting future.

ever heard people use that most irritating cliche of man not being an "island". wrong. every man is an island. but its the size and speed of his "boat" that allows him to be social. the boat can be anything you want it to be as long as it drwas people to you and you to them. sink the boat and kill your soul. die slowly like an abandoned dog in the desert.

all this said, i'm really not as bad as i make myself out to be. overly self critical. thats me. always have been, always will. i must be a lil fair to myself and say that i do like to talk to some people. the hitch is most of them are just like me.

note: this was written some time ago. things have changed since.

update: december 2006 came and chased the darkness away. for with the last month of the year, came an angel. who came to me on a moonlit terrace, and stayed with me since. she keeps asking me what it is that i love about her. and its this, she saved me from myself with her love and for the first time ever i feel safe. when i'm with her, nothing else matters. nothing else makes sense.