I spent the better part of last week back in Madras, where the sun shines brightly and the humidity makes you sweat like you've just run a four-minute mile! But thats not what I'm writing about today. I want to tell you about my bus journeys both on the way to Madras and back.
These seemingly disconnected road trips are bound together by the sleep induced surreal events that took place in the middle of the night. A friend of mine once said, "Night time is the best time for criminal activities" in a drunken stupor. In my case nighttime is the best time to experience something that isn't really taking place or sometimes isn't even there.
On the journey to the city of my birth, Lady Luck decided to be good to me and provided me with an A/C ticket for Non A/C price. This could have someting to do with the fact that there were only 7 people booked onto that bus. Anyway, we get on teh road and all is fine until we reach a place called Channasamudra about a hundred kilometers from Madras. It is at this inconsequential location that we suddenly find ourselves politely dragged from our little nooks in the Land of Nod and asked to change buses. It has never happened to me before but what was surreal or what made it surreal was the the presence of a check post about 50 meters away. The whole place was lit up by the dirty yellow of powerful halogens. It felt like we were defectors, political asylum seekers, or refugees trying to cross the border to a more liberal land. Surreal-ity!
It comes at a time of my life when I am looking for asylum, not from persecution or restriction of freedom but from the boundaries and bariers placed on us by society. I'm looking for asylum from mindless following of set precedents. From the inability to think beyond our little worlds. Mostly I'm looking for peace and a new begining.
Madras is my home. I'm comfortable in the city and thankfully, the city is progressing in as much as Bangalore is regressing. I spent five glorius lazy days in the company of friends, old and new, and I knew it was the right decision. All that remaains is for me to keep my focus on the goals I've set for myself and as the song goes "Everything's gonna be alright..."
The ride back was even more surreal. Firstly, the bus took an extra half hour to leave the station and this resulted in me being drenched in sweat. So I left the window open! The cool breeze lulled me to sleep and I passed the fuck out. The cool breeze soon became cold wind which in turn became a frigid blast of icy air! I didnt mind so much but when the bus went through teh wildlife sanctuary in Chitoor, things got a little wierd. I heard wolves howling and even in the the relative protection of the bus it was a little frightening. This sort of this doesn't usually scare me but the effect of sleep, and the cold wind worked togetehr to create some sort of paranoia. I realized that I could shut my jaw, which had dropped due to the cold and couldn't move, because I was, well, asleep!
Anyway, I managed to wake up and shut my dropped jaw but then it seemed to me that we would reach Bangalore, every five minutes. I don't usually dream so this was a pretty traumatic experience for me!
Maybe it was symbolic of coming back to Bangalore. Most likely it isn't. I was dreading coming back but the minute I got off the bus it didn't feel so bad. I like this city more than I care to mention. I love the weather. And I liek that you can do most things without censure. I liek that it's a young city with an old man's attitude. And I like it because I lived here for a year. but it's not home. Maybe Madras is. Maybe not. But I know one thing for sure. I'll never be completely at home anywhere. I'm a wanderer. Always trying to find a home and always just falling short.
Friday, 12 September 2008
Friday, 29 August 2008
found it!
this is actually a continuation of the last post!
teh reason it hurt so much was because it was true. ever heard the old saying, "the truth hurts"?
well it does. and part of teh reason, actually most of the reason was because i was pissed off with myself. teh rest was just self pity and a misplaced anger! just like me!
well, it is time to reconsider my existence. just not as dramatically as i might have led you to believe! change is necessary! change is good! a change is coming! a rather dramatic lift from teh worst batman movie ever made (batman and robin!)
tahts it...will be back later and types soemthing more meaningful and with less typos...
teh reason it hurt so much was because it was true. ever heard the old saying, "the truth hurts"?
well it does. and part of teh reason, actually most of the reason was because i was pissed off with myself. teh rest was just self pity and a misplaced anger! just like me!
well, it is time to reconsider my existence. just not as dramatically as i might have led you to believe! change is necessary! change is good! a change is coming! a rather dramatic lift from teh worst batman movie ever made (batman and robin!)
tahts it...will be back later and types soemthing more meaningful and with less typos...
Thursday, 28 August 2008
is there a reason?
is there a reason for anything? is there a purpose for being here? i believe there is, which is what makes me look forward to the future. not tomorrow but past that. the unforseeable future. its exciting and soemtyimes God makes sure that you can see something awesome right up ahead.
but the powers that oppose, the evil in this world, and life in itself throws you curve balls to upset your rhythm. call it chane or fate. call it bad karma. call it a lousy morning. its all the same old shit. something that makes you question the very core of your existence.
or maybe its just hearing your father tell you that you're useless, a burden, and your only contribution to their lives has been to bleed them dry. and when tehy need you the most, you look away, walk away.
well, i understand that we're going through a bad time but somethings go beyond the superficial and cut deep. so deep taht it throws you off balance and you can't think straight. so deep taht you reconsider your existence.
but the powers that oppose, the evil in this world, and life in itself throws you curve balls to upset your rhythm. call it chane or fate. call it bad karma. call it a lousy morning. its all the same old shit. something that makes you question the very core of your existence.
or maybe its just hearing your father tell you that you're useless, a burden, and your only contribution to their lives has been to bleed them dry. and when tehy need you the most, you look away, walk away.
well, i understand that we're going through a bad time but somethings go beyond the superficial and cut deep. so deep taht it throws you off balance and you can't think straight. so deep taht you reconsider your existence.
Friday, 22 August 2008
I need to know!!
It's something that struck me earlier today. Why do we use the wall feature on facebook or the scrap feature on orkut? Is it simply for the ease of communication or is it that at some base level, we want people to know what's going on in our lives. Maybe we want poeple to snoop around, and the fact that they do somehow makes us feel good. It's just a thought, but I think its true.
I'll admit that the main reason is to keep in touch with friends and maybe get in touch with people we've, you know, lost touch with. And it works. It allows you to put your prejudices aside and get though to people you've not spoken to in a long time. If they don't respond then you've probably only wasted around 5 mintues, contributed .00001% to your future carpel tunnel problems, even less contribution to future eye strain and without losing an ounce of self respect. No reply? No care!
I love facebook. It gives me something to do when I'm bored, which I am most of the time. I mean, work isn't really the best distraction and it doesn't really occupy my mind. So I dont really have much to do. Not that Facebook is an intellectuals paradise. Most of the stuff on there is pretty lame, but it allows you to do them without the need to explain yourself. I mean, I could be a Zeus, Snake, an automatic rifleman and a catholic school girl, all the while bring a combination of a werewolf, a zombie and a vampire. Now tell me that isn't cool!
I haven't been blogging much of late. That is an understatement because it's been approximately 2 years since I have seriously blogged. It's more sporadic now but back in the day, for almost a year, I did blog with surprising promptitude. i'm not really big on routines and uniformity but my blog was updzated regularly. And I had something to say. But more importantly, I had somebody who'd read by random rants and the outpouring of my secrets. We formed a sort of bond, some of us on those pages that I think is really cool. I remember three people in particular who have left lasting impressions on me. Miss Contrary, the Mystical Pixie and Lil Miss Disaster, in no particular order.
What drew me most to these three very different ladies was their honesty. You could right from the first line that their page was a manifestation of who they were. They used their blogs as a way to clear their minds, or as Miss C once said, their blog was cathartic. Funnily enough, i was going through the same phase in my life and it drew me to their pages. We've long since left those pages idle, but we still keep in touch, albeit sporadically.
Somehow now, I'm in need of some catharsis. Too long have I been in this rut that I find myself today. And for a while I didn't feel the need to move on. I was happy. Settlled! And not in the mould that all Indian mothers pray for their children. I left the world in a sense to live in my own reality. All the while going through the motins that would be described as everyday life. i wake up, go thework late, mechanically finish my calls and then head home to eat and maybe watch a movie. Routine! And I didn't care because I didn't have to think.
But Gokarna changed all that. It's cliched beyond belief but it's true. Not that I had any sort of spiritual awakening but watching the people around me led to teh conclusion that there's more to life than just being alive. To understand life you have to live it and that means using the greatest gift God has given us, our brain, take some risks and live life. A little pain, some embarrasment here and there, a dash of humiliation and a whole load of critisim will not take away from the euphoria of being alive. The list of adjectives in the previous sentence tells me that I am no better than the Indian authors that I hate so shall stop.
But let me just say this, a man from Jamaica named Usain Bolt ran faster than any man has before. He accomplished a feat that no one els has. He pushed himself to the limit in teh pursuit of a life long dream. Most of us are reluctant to chase our dreams with that kind of passion because we fear that if, if we ever achieve them, we'd have nothing left to strive for. That life would reach it's pinnacle. Where do we go from there? The answer is simple. We move forward, we fight to reach new goals and create new opportunites. Maybe we fight for poeple who cannot fight for themselves. Maybe we open doors that were previously shut. Maybe, just maybe, once we realize our dreams, we go out and help people achieve theirs. We live! We really live. We will fail for sure. Many times, but the taste of defeat will only be so much sweeter on D-day!
Go with God my brothers and sisters. Maybe we'll change the world. Maybe we won't. But we'll have tried and we'll have lived.
Peace and love.
I'll admit that the main reason is to keep in touch with friends and maybe get in touch with people we've, you know, lost touch with. And it works. It allows you to put your prejudices aside and get though to people you've not spoken to in a long time. If they don't respond then you've probably only wasted around 5 mintues, contributed .00001% to your future carpel tunnel problems, even less contribution to future eye strain and without losing an ounce of self respect. No reply? No care!
I love facebook. It gives me something to do when I'm bored, which I am most of the time. I mean, work isn't really the best distraction and it doesn't really occupy my mind. So I dont really have much to do. Not that Facebook is an intellectuals paradise. Most of the stuff on there is pretty lame, but it allows you to do them without the need to explain yourself. I mean, I could be a Zeus, Snake, an automatic rifleman and a catholic school girl, all the while bring a combination of a werewolf, a zombie and a vampire. Now tell me that isn't cool!
I haven't been blogging much of late. That is an understatement because it's been approximately 2 years since I have seriously blogged. It's more sporadic now but back in the day, for almost a year, I did blog with surprising promptitude. i'm not really big on routines and uniformity but my blog was updzated regularly. And I had something to say. But more importantly, I had somebody who'd read by random rants and the outpouring of my secrets. We formed a sort of bond, some of us on those pages that I think is really cool. I remember three people in particular who have left lasting impressions on me. Miss Contrary, the Mystical Pixie and Lil Miss Disaster, in no particular order.
What drew me most to these three very different ladies was their honesty. You could right from the first line that their page was a manifestation of who they were. They used their blogs as a way to clear their minds, or as Miss C once said, their blog was cathartic. Funnily enough, i was going through the same phase in my life and it drew me to their pages. We've long since left those pages idle, but we still keep in touch, albeit sporadically.
Somehow now, I'm in need of some catharsis. Too long have I been in this rut that I find myself today. And for a while I didn't feel the need to move on. I was happy. Settlled! And not in the mould that all Indian mothers pray for their children. I left the world in a sense to live in my own reality. All the while going through the motins that would be described as everyday life. i wake up, go thework late, mechanically finish my calls and then head home to eat and maybe watch a movie. Routine! And I didn't care because I didn't have to think.
But Gokarna changed all that. It's cliched beyond belief but it's true. Not that I had any sort of spiritual awakening but watching the people around me led to teh conclusion that there's more to life than just being alive. To understand life you have to live it and that means using the greatest gift God has given us, our brain, take some risks and live life. A little pain, some embarrasment here and there, a dash of humiliation and a whole load of critisim will not take away from the euphoria of being alive. The list of adjectives in the previous sentence tells me that I am no better than the Indian authors that I hate so shall stop.
But let me just say this, a man from Jamaica named Usain Bolt ran faster than any man has before. He accomplished a feat that no one els has. He pushed himself to the limit in teh pursuit of a life long dream. Most of us are reluctant to chase our dreams with that kind of passion because we fear that if, if we ever achieve them, we'd have nothing left to strive for. That life would reach it's pinnacle. Where do we go from there? The answer is simple. We move forward, we fight to reach new goals and create new opportunites. Maybe we fight for poeple who cannot fight for themselves. Maybe we open doors that were previously shut. Maybe, just maybe, once we realize our dreams, we go out and help people achieve theirs. We live! We really live. We will fail for sure. Many times, but the taste of defeat will only be so much sweeter on D-day!
Go with God my brothers and sisters. Maybe we'll change the world. Maybe we won't. But we'll have tried and we'll have lived.
Peace and love.
Monday, 21 July 2008
what the hell?
the previous post is exactly what is wrong with this pathetic excuse for a bolg. i tried too hard. and you know what. it sucked! sucked! and you know what else is wrong? i'm depressed. read that damned post and tell me if i sound happy. if i do, then it's most likely that i write better than i give myself credit for. and there i go again....
sucked!
why do i need to get every single person on the planet to like me? why? because i sacred that they won't. i'm scared that i will not be able make them smile or think! the question is, does anybody actually give a rat's ass? who cares? not too many people i'm guessing. and it's taken me almost 20 years to understand that (the first 5 have been discounted due to the fact that i probably didn't know what was going on anyway!)
i over this! i really am! saying it again and again is no indicator of me being over this but i am. there has to be some sort of limit to being a whiner. so this ends now!
starting today, i change my life. i change who i purport myself to be! starting today i wake up and set my mind free from the self imposed restrictions.
rebirth!
this is how its going to be. from now on, i am afraid of nothing. if i want to do something, i will do it. if i do not want to do something, i might still do it. and most of all, i will do at least one thing new every single bloody day! why? because its a new me, its a brand new day!
i really shouldn't be writing like this on this blogsite, considering that i put the link on my resume. but this is my thing for the day.
it's all good!
sucked!
why do i need to get every single person on the planet to like me? why? because i sacred that they won't. i'm scared that i will not be able make them smile or think! the question is, does anybody actually give a rat's ass? who cares? not too many people i'm guessing. and it's taken me almost 20 years to understand that (the first 5 have been discounted due to the fact that i probably didn't know what was going on anyway!)
i over this! i really am! saying it again and again is no indicator of me being over this but i am. there has to be some sort of limit to being a whiner. so this ends now!
starting today, i change my life. i change who i purport myself to be! starting today i wake up and set my mind free from the self imposed restrictions.
rebirth!
this is how its going to be. from now on, i am afraid of nothing. if i want to do something, i will do it. if i do not want to do something, i might still do it. and most of all, i will do at least one thing new every single bloody day! why? because its a new me, its a brand new day!
i really shouldn't be writing like this on this blogsite, considering that i put the link on my resume. but this is my thing for the day.
it's all good!
Sunday, 20 July 2008
unexpectedly surprised
Life's funny. Just when you think that you’re bored and tired, something happens and nothing is the same anymore. My last two posts are clearly the ranting of a sad and depressed soul. But somehow the last two weekends have restored my spirit.
I found and old friend and bumped into another. The first restored my faith in myself and the second reminded me of how good my life has been (and still is!!). This is a difficult time for me, but somehow I seem to rediscovered my hope that everything will be alright. Alright and much, much more than that.
I find the need to suddenly make a list! Why is life good? Why am I happy?
Disclaimer: the next three paragraphs are what people might call “self praise” with just a tad of humility thrown into the mix. (I know ‘cause I came back and wrote this disclaimer.)
First, I’m 24, healthy for the most part, got a decent job with prospects of better ones coming my way. I have a family that loves me and I have friends who I can depend on. I mean it really doesn’t get much better than this.
But it does!!! Apart from the basics, I am blessed with more that just average intelligence. It’s a different matter that I choose not to do anything about that. I can hold my own in any conversation and argument because I do know a lot about a lot of things! Its something I call the encyclopedia syndrome - A basic understanding of things but no in depth knowledge. (It’s a double edged sword!!!)
I also know that I’m an inherently nice person. My need to not rub people the wrong way, or to make sure that I do not hurt someone’s feelings is almost compulsive. It’s like I have a phobia for hurting people. This in turn leads to not say a lot of things to a lot of people even if I do know that it will be good for them.
Another thing I am usually extremely proud of is my ability to write. But judging by the last sentence of the previous paragraph, I’d say it needs a lot more work. I think the problem lies in the fact that I’ve almost stopped reading completely!! So if anybody has any suggestions do let me know. I’m desperate. I’ll read anything at this point in time. I’ve been trying to get through this book by James Joyce, but it really is hard work. The language and construction are fabulous but it takes me a minute to actually figure out what he’s trying to say.
The trouble with the whole “blogging” thing is that I seem to have really outgrown it. Most of the friends I made online have gone off(line!!!). I’ve also forgotten why I started blogging in the first place. What made me put my inner most thoughts and feelings on a public forum for the world to see? I think it’s probably to explore myself. To find out who I am through the eyes and words of other people. Anyway, I’m glad I did. Because it really did teach me a lot of things and helped me meet a lot of interesting people. It’s a funny thing. You read somebody’s random thoughts for long enough you begin to feel connected to them. At least, that’s the way it works for me. Sadly, I don’t seem to found anymore people on the same wave length on this site!
I just knew I wanted to write today. I didn’t know what I wanted to write about. And it turned out that my subject for the day was myself. But before I go there’s something that I have to say.
Thank you. All of you, who have touched my life and enriched it in your own special ways. I just hope that I can do the same for you.
Life’s good!
Friday, 23 May 2008
heartbreak hotel (no vacancy)
its the season of broken hearts, a season of near misses and what-ifs. i've expounded on my recent break up till i've grown tired of hearing myself whine. this article isn't about me, well not directly atleast. my narcissistic side wouldn't allow that.
this train of thought started on wednesday night, or ore precisely the wee hours of thursday morning. the biggest game of club football in the world, and for teh first time in its history chelsea had qualified for the final. the boys in blue had done us proud and the blue army around world prayed that this year, this terrible year, would finally bring us the glory that we deserve. the champions league trophy isn't just another cup. its a badge of honour. its crown given to the kings of europe and to us, it gives us bragging rights over everyone else.
the blues have been through a tumultous year. jose went away. the injury and missing players lists at one point read drogba, terry, lampard, shevchenko, ballack, cech, cudicini, ect etc etc. endless was an understatement. to come back from there to come within touching distance of the premiership trophy and get into the final of the champions league is a stupendous achievement.
anybody who watched the game, except maybe united or liverpool fans, would agree that chelsea were the better team for the better part of the game. fate, the woodwork and didier drogba's madness conspired to bring the game to penalties. cech stopped united's wonder boy ronaldo's penalty! the cup was in our grasp. JT, Mr. Chelsea, stepped up to take the final penalty and we knew terr wouldn't miss. the captain wouldn't miss. his final step with his left foot before he let fly unravelled what was to be the perfect story. the keeper went the wrong way and then that slip. at that moment. and the ball went passed the post. at that moment it was done. it was done, leaving not just 11 broken bodies and hearts but also the crushed dreams of millions of fans across the world. mine included.
well, football isn't the end of the world. there's always next year. and life goes on, just like it should. there's too much to see and do in this world to keep us from living life on ours own terms. society, peers, expectations, responsibilities! there are ways by which we can work with these instead of fighting or giving in to them. you and i know that its possible. it is hard. but it is possible. and that is all i need to know. i'm ready for you life, throw whatever curve you want, and i'll hit you straight out of the park! period!
this train of thought started on wednesday night, or ore precisely the wee hours of thursday morning. the biggest game of club football in the world, and for teh first time in its history chelsea had qualified for the final. the boys in blue had done us proud and the blue army around world prayed that this year, this terrible year, would finally bring us the glory that we deserve. the champions league trophy isn't just another cup. its a badge of honour. its crown given to the kings of europe and to us, it gives us bragging rights over everyone else.
the blues have been through a tumultous year. jose went away. the injury and missing players lists at one point read drogba, terry, lampard, shevchenko, ballack, cech, cudicini, ect etc etc. endless was an understatement. to come back from there to come within touching distance of the premiership trophy and get into the final of the champions league is a stupendous achievement.
anybody who watched the game, except maybe united or liverpool fans, would agree that chelsea were the better team for the better part of the game. fate, the woodwork and didier drogba's madness conspired to bring the game to penalties. cech stopped united's wonder boy ronaldo's penalty! the cup was in our grasp. JT, Mr. Chelsea, stepped up to take the final penalty and we knew terr wouldn't miss. the captain wouldn't miss. his final step with his left foot before he let fly unravelled what was to be the perfect story. the keeper went the wrong way and then that slip. at that moment. and the ball went passed the post. at that moment it was done. it was done, leaving not just 11 broken bodies and hearts but also the crushed dreams of millions of fans across the world. mine included.
well, football isn't the end of the world. there's always next year. and life goes on, just like it should. there's too much to see and do in this world to keep us from living life on ours own terms. society, peers, expectations, responsibilities! there are ways by which we can work with these instead of fighting or giving in to them. you and i know that its possible. it is hard. but it is possible. and that is all i need to know. i'm ready for you life, throw whatever curve you want, and i'll hit you straight out of the park! period!
Monday, 19 May 2008
New Beginings
What began on a terrace with a million stars over head, ended on top of a covered drain with nothing but mosquitoes swarming around. Fitting. For what was once beautiful had turned so sour. Luckily, i guess, the end was quite peaceful. Like a terminally ill patient finally welcoming death. But it also left a hole in my heart that will take an age to fill.
What happened to us? How did this go so horribly wrong? We were so perfect together...Life happened! Maybe we weren't so perfect. Maybe we were too different. Maybe we were too much the same. It's all moot now but the questions still ring. How do you get past something like this? How do you leave something behind, something that you're whole life revolved around?
What's done is done and cannot be undone. Maybe it is time for a new beging. We all deserve to be happy right. This way she can probably find someone who'll make her happy. I'll probably do the same. Only time will tell.
I did some of the usual drinking to feel better. Not only did it not work, it also left me feeling a little juvenile and very hungover. But consider this. Over the last couple of days I have actually got up on time for work. My clothes for the week are ready, I'm ot sleeping in office anymore and I actually belive I might be able to start exercising soon. I even went to church on Sunday! After alomst 8 months! It felt good. Though the sermon seemed irrelevant to me. I quite understand that it possibly is the reason why other people go to church. But tio sit there and not understand most of the stuff going on seemed a waste of time. Don't get me wrong, I have nothing against church. But when I want to communicate with God, personally or in a fellowship, I want to communicate with God.
I don't blame her for one moment though. She tried to get me to do all these things. But I was too comfortable in my life to change things. I guess I just have to now. It's imperative. First and foremost, I need to drop some serious weight. I'm like a friggin whale! The fat is begining to show! OH snap! hehe small internal (read: my mind) joke. And I guess my inertia was a possible contributor to the breakdown of our relationship. She's a go-getter she is. I'm the wait-and-it-will-come-to-you type. The end result is probably the same, but the time we take to our respective goals are going to be wildly different.
Now to the bright side of this "sad, sad situation" (song reference, sing if you may). I get to meet a whole new set of women. I smile from ear to ear. It really has been a long time since I thought of other women. I can check out the foxy ladies without having to be told off. And I can flirt with whomever I feel like! NOBODY gets to say squat!
I just realised (which is really lame) that I actually am writing again. Expect a lot more form me now. That book is not too far away. I've also just discovered Joyce. The man is now my personal favourite. When I read the first few pages of Ulysses I didn't really understand too much (now now, lets be condescending or judgemental - I do afterall work in a radio station that plays a song called Jinke Marina some 200 times a day) but as I went further, things started revealing themselves to me. Dialogue stood separately from the prose. And the banter and slang of early 20th Century Dublin slowly unravelled. What was once gibberish slowly beagn to make send and I could see it finally. I mean see it, not read it. Because for me, I have to see what I read in my minds eye.
Thats the beauty of a good book. Of a great story and a fantastic storyteller. The ability to make your readers see with minds eye. How many of you actually saw hobbits in your head before it came on the giant screen? Scarlet O'Hara was so much more beautiful in my head than Vivien Leigh, and that really is something. Also, wasn't Audrey Hepburn absolutely the most beautiful woman to have ever walked this earth!
On that note, with the wonderfully rebellious Scarlett and the unbelievably beautiful Audrey in my head, I shall say adieu. Au revoir. A bien tot. A man of genius makes no mistakes; his errors are volitional and are the portals of discovery. Ah! Joyce! Don't you just love his wit!
P.S. : Leave comments!
What happened to us? How did this go so horribly wrong? We were so perfect together...Life happened! Maybe we weren't so perfect. Maybe we were too different. Maybe we were too much the same. It's all moot now but the questions still ring. How do you get past something like this? How do you leave something behind, something that you're whole life revolved around?
What's done is done and cannot be undone. Maybe it is time for a new beging. We all deserve to be happy right. This way she can probably find someone who'll make her happy. I'll probably do the same. Only time will tell.
I did some of the usual drinking to feel better. Not only did it not work, it also left me feeling a little juvenile and very hungover. But consider this. Over the last couple of days I have actually got up on time for work. My clothes for the week are ready, I'm ot sleeping in office anymore and I actually belive I might be able to start exercising soon. I even went to church on Sunday! After alomst 8 months! It felt good. Though the sermon seemed irrelevant to me. I quite understand that it possibly is the reason why other people go to church. But tio sit there and not understand most of the stuff going on seemed a waste of time. Don't get me wrong, I have nothing against church. But when I want to communicate with God, personally or in a fellowship, I want to communicate with God.
I don't blame her for one moment though. She tried to get me to do all these things. But I was too comfortable in my life to change things. I guess I just have to now. It's imperative. First and foremost, I need to drop some serious weight. I'm like a friggin whale! The fat is begining to show! OH snap! hehe small internal (read: my mind) joke. And I guess my inertia was a possible contributor to the breakdown of our relationship. She's a go-getter she is. I'm the wait-and-it-will-come-to-you type. The end result is probably the same, but the time we take to our respective goals are going to be wildly different.
Now to the bright side of this "sad, sad situation" (song reference, sing if you may). I get to meet a whole new set of women. I smile from ear to ear. It really has been a long time since I thought of other women. I can check out the foxy ladies without having to be told off. And I can flirt with whomever I feel like! NOBODY gets to say squat!
I just realised (which is really lame) that I actually am writing again. Expect a lot more form me now. That book is not too far away. I've also just discovered Joyce. The man is now my personal favourite. When I read the first few pages of Ulysses I didn't really understand too much (now now, lets be condescending or judgemental - I do afterall work in a radio station that plays a song called Jinke Marina some 200 times a day) but as I went further, things started revealing themselves to me. Dialogue stood separately from the prose. And the banter and slang of early 20th Century Dublin slowly unravelled. What was once gibberish slowly beagn to make send and I could see it finally. I mean see it, not read it. Because for me, I have to see what I read in my minds eye.
Thats the beauty of a good book. Of a great story and a fantastic storyteller. The ability to make your readers see with minds eye. How many of you actually saw hobbits in your head before it came on the giant screen? Scarlet O'Hara was so much more beautiful in my head than Vivien Leigh, and that really is something. Also, wasn't Audrey Hepburn absolutely the most beautiful woman to have ever walked this earth!
On that note, with the wonderfully rebellious Scarlett and the unbelievably beautiful Audrey in my head, I shall say adieu. Au revoir. A bien tot. A man of genius makes no mistakes; his errors are volitional and are the portals of discovery. Ah! Joyce! Don't you just love his wit!
P.S. : Leave comments!
Friday, 18 January 2008
2008: its not too late
it always seems like there isn't enough time to do anything. if there's time, some thing else falls short. like when the mind's willing but the flesh isn't. no, there's no sexual allusions in the previous statement. its been more than a year since i last wrote. which is a little sad considering that writing has always been my refuge and my joy. every time i open my blog pages i tell myself, today you will write. turns out my brain is just a little more powerful than my spirit! the response always ends up being "nah! leave it for the morrow" sad! thats said, here's my first post since fuck knows when!
2008 promises to be special. i can feel it. we brought in the new year the same way we always do. drunk, stoned and happy as fuck. but through blurry haze of intoxication one thought remained lucid. 2008 was going to define our lives. to quote nelson mandela out of context - "Sometimes it falls upon a generation to be great. You can be that great generation. Let your greatness blossom."
that time is upon us. the days of idle chatter and inconsistent ideology are over. its time that we reached deep into our selves to find the people we are. i grew up dreaming that i would be somebody. i knew i'd be different, i knew i'd make a difference. we've all had those dreams. to be greater than we'd dare to imagine. but dream we did, and i say it's time to realise this dream.
there's a time to let go, to cut losses and fly free. and there are times when u have to stand firm in the face of mounting adversity and face your fears. sometimes thats all it takes. so do we stand or cut loose, do we fight or break away and run. who do we want to be today?
2008 promises to be special. i can feel it. we brought in the new year the same way we always do. drunk, stoned and happy as fuck. but through blurry haze of intoxication one thought remained lucid. 2008 was going to define our lives. to quote nelson mandela out of context - "Sometimes it falls upon a generation to be great. You can be that great generation. Let your greatness blossom."
that time is upon us. the days of idle chatter and inconsistent ideology are over. its time that we reached deep into our selves to find the people we are. i grew up dreaming that i would be somebody. i knew i'd be different, i knew i'd make a difference. we've all had those dreams. to be greater than we'd dare to imagine. but dream we did, and i say it's time to realise this dream.
there's a time to let go, to cut losses and fly free. and there are times when u have to stand firm in the face of mounting adversity and face your fears. sometimes thats all it takes. so do we stand or cut loose, do we fight or break away and run. who do we want to be today?
Thursday, 17 May 2007
freedom?
this one's called freedom. its my definition. so if you dont like it, it means you've read it and you'll know why i really dont give a shit.
freedom is about one thing and one thing only. two simple words that to me have so much meaning. Personal Choice, the power to make your own decisions about who, where and what you want to be. everybody talks about it, goverments harp about it, but do we really, really, have the freedom to shape our own, personal, private destinies. the fundamental right of expression, the economic priniciple of choice.
ok, lets talk economics. economics is based on three fundamental priniciples. screw demand and supply. its scarcity, choice and oppotunity cost. underlying this is the basic assumption that all capable human beings are rational. so we are supposed to be gifted with the faculties to make a choice between scarce resources, keeping in mind the side effects of our decision. sounds simple. i dont think so. not by a long shot.
for one, there is not a single rational human being on this planet. we are an irrational genus, always were, always will be. and so far i have'nt seen enough evidence to dispute this fact. therefore, the dicsions we make are most likely to be the wrong ones, by our own inadequacies or by the forceful badgering of others.
now, talking about fundamental rights, with specific focus on the freedom of speech and expression. this is the basis of modern, i stress modern, society. all governmental systems that suprees this right have not worked and have actually failed quite miserably. nazi germany, facist italy, communist russia, and the continuous upheavals in africa. didnt work then. will most definitely not work now. very few have actually survived, singapore, china and cuba for instance, but in all those cases the system was continuously shifted around to make adjustments to the changing population. these are all but the ones i know about and i quite sure some of my arguments are unsustainable but this is how it is as far as i know.
all countries curtail freedom of speech and expression and thereby personal choice. at some level to a certain extent, it is needed. "your right to swing your umbrella ends at my nose." thats perfectly logical and acceptable. but personal choice regarding the way i (you too to whomever reads this) want to live my life, as long as it harms no one else is my own bleeding business and nobody, nobody, has the right to curtail that by force. coercion, persuassion, laa dee daa, are all good ways to try and bring about a change in attitudes but in my extremely humble opinion its wrong to do it by force.
be that as it may, i also believe that we can never be free. there is one way, but i doubt that anybody is interested. i am and i'll keep it to myself. ask and you shall recieve, seek and you shall find (if you havn't got it, ask me!!!).
anyway, i'm not so pissed off anymore and now seem to have run a\out of steam. writing,i seem to have found, is my release. passive aggressive (what a brilliant oxymoron). repression is a horrible thing.
and, i almost forgot. the one way to keep people from meddling in your life is to choose not to choose. give up, shy away. become reclusive. then your thoughts are your own and yours to think and to keep. but i dont think any of us are interested in that either. or we really wouldnt be blogging would we?!!!
freedom is about one thing and one thing only. two simple words that to me have so much meaning. Personal Choice, the power to make your own decisions about who, where and what you want to be. everybody talks about it, goverments harp about it, but do we really, really, have the freedom to shape our own, personal, private destinies. the fundamental right of expression, the economic priniciple of choice.
ok, lets talk economics. economics is based on three fundamental priniciples. screw demand and supply. its scarcity, choice and oppotunity cost. underlying this is the basic assumption that all capable human beings are rational. so we are supposed to be gifted with the faculties to make a choice between scarce resources, keeping in mind the side effects of our decision. sounds simple. i dont think so. not by a long shot.
for one, there is not a single rational human being on this planet. we are an irrational genus, always were, always will be. and so far i have'nt seen enough evidence to dispute this fact. therefore, the dicsions we make are most likely to be the wrong ones, by our own inadequacies or by the forceful badgering of others.
now, talking about fundamental rights, with specific focus on the freedom of speech and expression. this is the basis of modern, i stress modern, society. all governmental systems that suprees this right have not worked and have actually failed quite miserably. nazi germany, facist italy, communist russia, and the continuous upheavals in africa. didnt work then. will most definitely not work now. very few have actually survived, singapore, china and cuba for instance, but in all those cases the system was continuously shifted around to make adjustments to the changing population. these are all but the ones i know about and i quite sure some of my arguments are unsustainable but this is how it is as far as i know.
all countries curtail freedom of speech and expression and thereby personal choice. at some level to a certain extent, it is needed. "your right to swing your umbrella ends at my nose." thats perfectly logical and acceptable. but personal choice regarding the way i (you too to whomever reads this) want to live my life, as long as it harms no one else is my own bleeding business and nobody, nobody, has the right to curtail that by force. coercion, persuassion, laa dee daa, are all good ways to try and bring about a change in attitudes but in my extremely humble opinion its wrong to do it by force.
be that as it may, i also believe that we can never be free. there is one way, but i doubt that anybody is interested. i am and i'll keep it to myself. ask and you shall recieve, seek and you shall find (if you havn't got it, ask me!!!).
anyway, i'm not so pissed off anymore and now seem to have run a\out of steam. writing,i seem to have found, is my release. passive aggressive (what a brilliant oxymoron). repression is a horrible thing.
and, i almost forgot. the one way to keep people from meddling in your life is to choose not to choose. give up, shy away. become reclusive. then your thoughts are your own and yours to think and to keep. but i dont think any of us are interested in that either. or we really wouldnt be blogging would we?!!!
rec(l)use
I stood under the flickering light of the incandescent tube and realized that i had taken my first conclusive step toward the madness that lurked within. not the happy undergraduate sort but a deeper madness with a darker hue. the sense of self left me for one brief moment, not unlike the inconsistent beam, and allowed the demon to rear its unbecomig head for the first time. i have seen what must not be seen, a glimpse of the future, my future and it wasn't pretty. i write today with a fear instilled by that premonition of reclusive-ness, of being alone. not by choice but by the hand of fear and suspicion, and the definite possiblity of its occuring.
i was never one to walk with the herd. a loner, but also the anti-loner. many acquaintances but few friends. and it suited me just fine. i like my freedom and i like to walk my own line, as skewed as it maybe. but yesterday as i sat, cigarette between my lips, a thin column of smoke rising lazily toward the cieling, the emptiness engulffed my present and hurried me hazily into the not so distant, not so inviting future.
ever heard people use that most irritating cliche of man not being an "island". wrong. every man is an island. but its the size and speed of his "boat" that allows him to be social. the boat can be anything you want it to be as long as it drwas people to you and you to them. sink the boat and kill your soul. die slowly like an abandoned dog in the desert.
all this said, i'm really not as bad as i make myself out to be. overly self critical. thats me. always have been, always will. i must be a lil fair to myself and say that i do like to talk to some people. the hitch is most of them are just like me.
note: this was written some time ago. things have changed since.
update: december 2006 came and chased the darkness away. for with the last month of the year, came an angel. who came to me on a moonlit terrace, and stayed with me since. she keeps asking me what it is that i love about her. and its this, she saved me from myself with her love and for the first time ever i feel safe. when i'm with her, nothing else matters. nothing else makes sense.
i was never one to walk with the herd. a loner, but also the anti-loner. many acquaintances but few friends. and it suited me just fine. i like my freedom and i like to walk my own line, as skewed as it maybe. but yesterday as i sat, cigarette between my lips, a thin column of smoke rising lazily toward the cieling, the emptiness engulffed my present and hurried me hazily into the not so distant, not so inviting future.
ever heard people use that most irritating cliche of man not being an "island". wrong. every man is an island. but its the size and speed of his "boat" that allows him to be social. the boat can be anything you want it to be as long as it drwas people to you and you to them. sink the boat and kill your soul. die slowly like an abandoned dog in the desert.
all this said, i'm really not as bad as i make myself out to be. overly self critical. thats me. always have been, always will. i must be a lil fair to myself and say that i do like to talk to some people. the hitch is most of them are just like me.
note: this was written some time ago. things have changed since.
update: december 2006 came and chased the darkness away. for with the last month of the year, came an angel. who came to me on a moonlit terrace, and stayed with me since. she keeps asking me what it is that i love about her. and its this, she saved me from myself with her love and for the first time ever i feel safe. when i'm with her, nothing else matters. nothing else makes sense.
excuse me, can you smell uranus
i was driving back late one night in my dad's rickety old esteem. had been lazing around at a friend's place. the usual guy stuff, smoke a couple of cigarettes, watched some psycho shit on the tele, had a couple of beers and talked about life. like old times. yeah, so i'm on the road and the systems blaring cold hard bitch by jet and i'm singing along like a crazy person.
the road's really dark. its late at night and the street light's not working. but just ahead i see this lone figure cycling. a tired man on his way home. a little bit of guilt creeps in a i turn the stereo down a bit. a little closer and the man riding the cycle is a police constable. and then it hits me. the guilt that is.
there's me, unemployed at the time, with a UK degree under my belt. i'd slept the whole day, played with the dog, read the glass palace which might i add is the most boring book ive read, and then there's this man who has worked the whole day and now to get home has to pedal his way home in the middle of the night. what's wrong with this moment?
dont get me wrong. i know my dad's worked hard to get to where he is and to provide us with a comfortable life. he pays his the unfair taxes that our so called democratic government levies on its salaried people. and the injustice of it all, that has been burning a storm in my head since i got back suddenly seemed to explode.
the disparity in classes is so prevalent that we become immune to it. like doctors get immune to seeing carved up dead bodies. the beggars, the destitue, the sick and the dying, the coolies, the servants, the manual labourers, the maimed and the hungry. its all around. and yet, more tt\han fifty yeas since we got our much longed for 'independance', has that much really changed.
true we have bright shiny new buildings and sleek cars. india's become THE place to be. with yoga and neo spiritualism being uber cool. but drive around our 'shining' metros at night and you'll see hundreds of people sleeping on the streets with not even that patch of pavement to call their own. why? i'll tell you why. inneffectual governments, criminals for business men, criminals for politicians, and a middle class that does not have a voice in their own country.
but the root of the problem is more base than that. its the same lousy thing that has driven men to conquest and adventure. the same thing that drove men to enslave other human life and to its the same thing that drives man to become a lower form of life. MONEY. five letters of filth.
what has that left us with. a greater divide between the rich and poor, more disquiet and class hatred, a people divided by the rupee, or atleast the quantity of rupees. on another side, we have ineffectual, unscrupulous doctors, horrible teachers, hapless engineers and useless architects. and we wonder why the white man, with all his faults, is still ahead of us.
back to the cop. we've all bitch about corrupt cops. but considering the pittance they are paid its no wonder really. they work on the street, with hardly any reward or recognition. we loathe our policemen rather than respect them. but people who work in government offices get paid much more. they hardly do any work. their offices are haphazard with files piled up on any flat surface and some non flat nes giving the room the look of a godown. the people work lazily while the comman man, whom they are supposed to serve, stands head lowered as if in respect to get his work done.
i was in a government office this week and there was actually a crow flying around the office cawing its disapproval of the lack of landing surfaces. and by the way, if you have a serious allergy to dust, walking into a government office is tantamount to committing suicide!!!
the road's really dark. its late at night and the street light's not working. but just ahead i see this lone figure cycling. a tired man on his way home. a little bit of guilt creeps in a i turn the stereo down a bit. a little closer and the man riding the cycle is a police constable. and then it hits me. the guilt that is.
there's me, unemployed at the time, with a UK degree under my belt. i'd slept the whole day, played with the dog, read the glass palace which might i add is the most boring book ive read, and then there's this man who has worked the whole day and now to get home has to pedal his way home in the middle of the night. what's wrong with this moment?
dont get me wrong. i know my dad's worked hard to get to where he is and to provide us with a comfortable life. he pays his the unfair taxes that our so called democratic government levies on its salaried people. and the injustice of it all, that has been burning a storm in my head since i got back suddenly seemed to explode.
the disparity in classes is so prevalent that we become immune to it. like doctors get immune to seeing carved up dead bodies. the beggars, the destitue, the sick and the dying, the coolies, the servants, the manual labourers, the maimed and the hungry. its all around. and yet, more tt\han fifty yeas since we got our much longed for 'independance', has that much really changed.
true we have bright shiny new buildings and sleek cars. india's become THE place to be. with yoga and neo spiritualism being uber cool. but drive around our 'shining' metros at night and you'll see hundreds of people sleeping on the streets with not even that patch of pavement to call their own. why? i'll tell you why. inneffectual governments, criminals for business men, criminals for politicians, and a middle class that does not have a voice in their own country.
but the root of the problem is more base than that. its the same lousy thing that has driven men to conquest and adventure. the same thing that drove men to enslave other human life and to its the same thing that drives man to become a lower form of life. MONEY. five letters of filth.
what has that left us with. a greater divide between the rich and poor, more disquiet and class hatred, a people divided by the rupee, or atleast the quantity of rupees. on another side, we have ineffectual, unscrupulous doctors, horrible teachers, hapless engineers and useless architects. and we wonder why the white man, with all his faults, is still ahead of us.
back to the cop. we've all bitch about corrupt cops. but considering the pittance they are paid its no wonder really. they work on the street, with hardly any reward or recognition. we loathe our policemen rather than respect them. but people who work in government offices get paid much more. they hardly do any work. their offices are haphazard with files piled up on any flat surface and some non flat nes giving the room the look of a godown. the people work lazily while the comman man, whom they are supposed to serve, stands head lowered as if in respect to get his work done.
i was in a government office this week and there was actually a crow flying around the office cawing its disapproval of the lack of landing surfaces. and by the way, if you have a serious allergy to dust, walking into a government office is tantamount to committing suicide!!!
road rage
i have a question? why do some people find it necessary to take their hands off their handlebars or steering wheels, turn their heads away from the road and pray as they pass a temple or a church. why?
don't get me wrong, i'm not against praying or showing respect to the holy place. but in the middle off the road in peak traffic. sometimes as they are cutting other people off! i dont get it. are you praying for ypur life, that god might spare your stupid soul as you needlessly put yourself and others at risk. BAH!
that leads me to another issue. women on two wheelers. not bikes but the kind that has all its weight at the back. this doesnt pertain to all women who drive or ride because i know some who handle a vehicle and traffic better than men. but in general, they women don't seem to get the idea of driving in a straight line. watch for it next time. she'll start off on the left or right and then drift into the centre of the road before drifting back. all that at full clip. try driving behind that.
the same women for some wierd reason also sit on the edge of the seat, using their mammaries as substitues for headlights. again why? the further forward you place your shapely posterior,the more unbalanced the damn thing gets.
another grouse. this time against dumb motherf**kers who drive SUV's like they are autorickshaws. for gods sake, when you weave, just remember how big your vehicle is! the scariest thing on the road, after cyclists, buses and lorries is probably a fool with an SUV.
last bu t not the least, who can forget the tortoise. the guy who drives at 20kmph, in the middle of the road. dont hog the road. move or get the fuck out of the way....
note: all the above are only generalisations and meant to offend the people who fall into each category.
don't get me wrong, i'm not against praying or showing respect to the holy place. but in the middle off the road in peak traffic. sometimes as they are cutting other people off! i dont get it. are you praying for ypur life, that god might spare your stupid soul as you needlessly put yourself and others at risk. BAH!
that leads me to another issue. women on two wheelers. not bikes but the kind that has all its weight at the back. this doesnt pertain to all women who drive or ride because i know some who handle a vehicle and traffic better than men. but in general, they women don't seem to get the idea of driving in a straight line. watch for it next time. she'll start off on the left or right and then drift into the centre of the road before drifting back. all that at full clip. try driving behind that.
the same women for some wierd reason also sit on the edge of the seat, using their mammaries as substitues for headlights. again why? the further forward you place your shapely posterior,the more unbalanced the damn thing gets.
another grouse. this time against dumb motherf**kers who drive SUV's like they are autorickshaws. for gods sake, when you weave, just remember how big your vehicle is! the scariest thing on the road, after cyclists, buses and lorries is probably a fool with an SUV.
last bu t not the least, who can forget the tortoise. the guy who drives at 20kmph, in the middle of the road. dont hog the road. move or get the fuck out of the way....
note: all the above are only generalisations and meant to offend the people who fall into each category.
Wednesday, 9 May 2007
life and times
i dont think anybody reads this page...i feel the need to write, i hear its call. i've been fighting it for so long and it's been eating me up inside.
that said, my life is pretty good. other than my job, everything else is moving forward. and i haven't met one person who actually likes their job!!!
one person did think it was funny to ask me, ME! to write on yeast infections! well, not so tough really, but we'd have to break it down to whether this infection is caused by yeast on humans or to the yeast itself. and yes i have no fucking idea what i'm talking about. but i did go to a lousy bloody skin specialist who told me that he line on my nose was yeast infection, when it actualy was something called a solute. ah, what would i do without my doctor ex-girlfriend. she's a good friend now...but she really has to stop trying to diagnose my every problem. i'm a fuckin hypochondriac, and it really freaks the shit out of me.
oh the same stupid skin specialist also gave me a cream for my hands which proceeded to remove all the skin from my fingers and the back of my hand!!! some doctor! i think they just give medical degrees away. "ah, u look like you're stupid enough! here's your degree. go out there and fuck people's lives up! you have our corrupt blessing!"
that said, i'm still happy. you want to know why? i'm in love. and its been a while since i felt like this. infact, i don't think i've ever felt like this before. never felt so completely at peace, so completely free. never been so happy. its like a weight has been lifted, my feelings of darkness, my premonitions of death, all gone. far away, far far away.
and my friends. we suddenly seem to have become closer. like we grew at the same time...and we grew together. its special when this happens. doesn't happen all the time. I know, that if i need them they'll be there, and i know that i'll be there for them. its special.
that said, my life is pretty good. other than my job, everything else is moving forward. and i haven't met one person who actually likes their job!!!
one person did think it was funny to ask me, ME! to write on yeast infections! well, not so tough really, but we'd have to break it down to whether this infection is caused by yeast on humans or to the yeast itself. and yes i have no fucking idea what i'm talking about. but i did go to a lousy bloody skin specialist who told me that he line on my nose was yeast infection, when it actualy was something called a solute. ah, what would i do without my doctor ex-girlfriend. she's a good friend now...but she really has to stop trying to diagnose my every problem. i'm a fuckin hypochondriac, and it really freaks the shit out of me.
oh the same stupid skin specialist also gave me a cream for my hands which proceeded to remove all the skin from my fingers and the back of my hand!!! some doctor! i think they just give medical degrees away. "ah, u look like you're stupid enough! here's your degree. go out there and fuck people's lives up! you have our corrupt blessing!"
that said, i'm still happy. you want to know why? i'm in love. and its been a while since i felt like this. infact, i don't think i've ever felt like this before. never felt so completely at peace, so completely free. never been so happy. its like a weight has been lifted, my feelings of darkness, my premonitions of death, all gone. far away, far far away.
and my friends. we suddenly seem to have become closer. like we grew at the same time...and we grew together. its special when this happens. doesn't happen all the time. I know, that if i need them they'll be there, and i know that i'll be there for them. its special.
for a reason
ive been trying to write something for sometime now but i just cant seem to find anything interesting to write. ive started a couple of times but they just ran out juice after the first paragraph. but its like a sort of release when i write and it always makes me feel better about my life. thats not to say that my life sucks and its all shit but its been a low period of late.
you see i've always held to the belief that my presence had some purpose.that there was something that only i could do, my destiny, something that was completely and totally me. this probably is the reason behind so many of the decisions i've made so far.
im going to share my phillosophy on work. its something i read somewhere. work like you dont need the money. and if you think about it its almost the only way to be happy. for instance, when you working on something that you really like, money become almost inconsequential. its more like an added attraction rather that the main event. but when money is the only motivator, happiness just flies out of the window. its depressing. and i just realised im gonna have to work like that for a couple of months if i'm going to get my life back on track.
life now has a really ethereal feel. its like everything is just a dream. nothing seems to break the surface of reality. like living in the land of nod. in the sub state between asleep and awake. fragile, transcient but almost , almost, real. its not always happy but i know i'm going to wake up soon.
that reminds me. im a really wierd sleeper. i do all sorts of funny stuff. once on a bus, niki and i were on our way to bangalore and sometime in the night i decided to visit Nod. i suddenly get an elbow jabbed into my side and my bro telling me to shut up. apparently i had been laughing really loudly. haha...
the day before, i dreamt that i was taking care of some children. why? fuck knows. but i ended up singing, in the dream and out loud. madness i tell you. i have even slept with my eyes open.
i shall now end this extremely disjoint post on a slightly anitclimatic note and actually go to sleep. hopefully i shall not sing or laugh or any other evidence of mental instability. one must keep up one's appearance, must one not?!!!
you see i've always held to the belief that my presence had some purpose.that there was something that only i could do, my destiny, something that was completely and totally me. this probably is the reason behind so many of the decisions i've made so far.
im going to share my phillosophy on work. its something i read somewhere. work like you dont need the money. and if you think about it its almost the only way to be happy. for instance, when you working on something that you really like, money become almost inconsequential. its more like an added attraction rather that the main event. but when money is the only motivator, happiness just flies out of the window. its depressing. and i just realised im gonna have to work like that for a couple of months if i'm going to get my life back on track.
life now has a really ethereal feel. its like everything is just a dream. nothing seems to break the surface of reality. like living in the land of nod. in the sub state between asleep and awake. fragile, transcient but almost , almost, real. its not always happy but i know i'm going to wake up soon.
that reminds me. im a really wierd sleeper. i do all sorts of funny stuff. once on a bus, niki and i were on our way to bangalore and sometime in the night i decided to visit Nod. i suddenly get an elbow jabbed into my side and my bro telling me to shut up. apparently i had been laughing really loudly. haha...
the day before, i dreamt that i was taking care of some children. why? fuck knows. but i ended up singing, in the dream and out loud. madness i tell you. i have even slept with my eyes open.
i shall now end this extremely disjoint post on a slightly anitclimatic note and actually go to sleep. hopefully i shall not sing or laugh or any other evidence of mental instability. one must keep up one's appearance, must one not?!!!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
