i never feel lonely. not until i meet all the happy people in the world. all the people in love. you can see it in their eyes, that there's someone thinking of them at that very minute. that they're thinking of of someone. i had that. and it went away. i thought i had it again. just a thought. as fleeting as that one thought.
i was wrong. just as i am with most of the things that go through my my mind. it's one of the curses of having an overactive imagination, a proclivity to the romantic, and a soft heart. i fall hard! every time! no matter how many times.
unfortunately, i'm part of the clan that believes that love conquers all. beneath the cold, sometimes flippant exterior, i'd really like to have someone, just one person who thinks of me more than anyone else. selfish as it may be, that's how it is. i personally don't think it's too much for ask for. cos i'm willing to give that much.
but it seems like that just isn't enough. thats just too bad...
Sunday, 19 December 2010
Tuesday, 11 May 2010
disturbed
i wake to an empty street
with grime and dirt and empty carts
i open my eyes and look within
the crusts of tears, of mornings past
the darkness fights it’s impending doom
and the sun struggles to find it’s place
the rain comes in thundering sheets
and lightening across the sky does trace
as the lights of heaven streak
in neon blues and sparkling whites
i think about the sound of peace
and what heaven must be like
i wake up to the sound of storm
a graceful morn, a graceless place
and the morning seems so far away
like a distant shore, a nameless face
with grime and dirt and empty carts
i open my eyes and look within
the crusts of tears, of mornings past
the darkness fights it’s impending doom
and the sun struggles to find it’s place
the rain comes in thundering sheets
and lightening across the sky does trace
as the lights of heaven streak
in neon blues and sparkling whites
i think about the sound of peace
and what heaven must be like
i wake up to the sound of storm
a graceful morn, a graceless place
and the morning seems so far away
like a distant shore, a nameless face
Friday, 7 May 2010
end of night
tender is the night with its velvet sky,
with diamonds for stars where promises lie.
tender is the first light of dawn,
as black bleeds red to an unseen morn.
with diamonds for stars where promises lie.
tender is the first light of dawn,
as black bleeds red to an unseen morn.
wisp
Drift way upon the swell
Of sleep, and its shimmering veil
Will shroud you in its fragile shell
‘Til the misty night doth fail
Of sleep, and its shimmering veil
Will shroud you in its fragile shell
‘Til the misty night doth fail
Tomorrow
A bird flew quietly across the night sky
Leaving a trail but none could see
Of tears and stars and moon beam bars
To the warmer climes by the summer sea
Leaving a trail but none could see
Of tears and stars and moon beam bars
To the warmer climes by the summer sea
Wednesday, 5 November 2008
A New Era: The age of Barack - Harbinger of Change
Robert Kennedy was almost prophetic when in 1962 he said, "The Irish were not wanted here. Now an Irish Catholic is President of the United States. There is no question about it, in the next forty years a Negro can achieve the same position" Almost because he's 6 years off target!"
It's the most amazing thing to have happened in recent history. A black man is now President of the United States of America. A nation with a history of racial oppression targetted, for the most part, against people who can trace their roots back to Africa. To me, its like the culmination of their struggle. People like Martin Luther King Jr, Malcom X, Rosa Parks, Jesse Owens, Mohammed Ali and many many more led a people tired of being subjugated and discriminated against. They fought for a change and they got it.
Barack Obama is a harbinger of change. From everything America has known before. I'd go as far as to say, from everything the world has seen of America before.
"...change is a foreign policy that doesn't begin and end with a war that should've never been authorized and never been waged."
A far cry from the warmongering of the Bush administration.
However, some parts of Mr. Obama's victory speech left me a little anxious.
"It's time to refocus our efforts on al-Qaeda's leadership and Afghanistan, and rally the world against the common threats of the 21st century - terrorism and nuclear weapons; climate change and poverty; genocide and disease."
"That's what change is.
Change is realising that meeting today's threats requires not just our firepower, but the power of our diplomacy - tough, direct diplomacy where the president of the United States isn't afraid to let any petty dictator know where America stands and what we stand for."
The world doesn't need an intelligent watchdog! I'll admit taht its better than a rabid one but what roel does the UN play. What is the role of an independant global body, if it is controlled, like it has been all these years, by the United States? I just pray that the new US administration does not relate diplomacy to the swinging of a base ball bat.
I watched Obama's victory speech on youtube this afternoon, and what struck me most about the man was his intelligence. His poise and obvious character aside, the intelligence of the man was very evident. His speech was one of strength, courage and humility, one that inspired me (and i'm not even American). Most of all, it had power. To me, it looks like Obama is his own man and will be the change America and the world have been calling for.
At this time of economic uncertainity, we need somebody to steady the ship. The world's markets are inextricably (in the short term) tied to the US economy. So what they go through, we will too, to some extent!
Something about America in the last 5 years reminded me of "Atlas Shrugged" - People think that a liar gains a victory over his victim. What I've learned is that a lie is an act of self-abdication, because one surrenders one's reality to the person to whom one lies, making that person one's master, condemning oneself from then on to faking the sort of reality that person's view requires to be faked. And if one gains the immediate purpose of the lie - the price one pays is the destruction of that which was intended to serve. The man who lies to the world, is the world's slave from then on
The lies, the deceit, the subterfuge. We knew it all along. We let it happen. But who wants to reason with a rottweiller on the charge. It was down to who had the bigger gun, and we all know, in that battle there is going to be only one winner. It's strange therefore that the US has failed to win any of their post WWII attempts at war. Korea, Vietnam, Cuba, Iraq, Afghanistan, Iraq...My explanation for this is that you can only win a war if your cause is just. If your soldiers fighting the war believe in the cause enough to go that extra mile. A cause that makes every single citizen a soldier, ready to sacrifice their life and comfort for the greater common good.
Back to Mr. Obama. In one way it's really not that surprising. Think about it, with the evolution of hip hop and soul into mainstream culture, how many white people now want to be black? Right from the insipid antics of a certain Mr. Ice to Eminem. Who endorses soft drinks and sports equipment. "Times have changed, times are strange, here I come but I ain't the same" Maybe everythings gone topsy turvy. I think its for the best. Integrattion of that kind can only be brought about by culture, music and sport. And thats exactly what's happened.
This takes nothing away from Obama achievement. History will always remember the name of Barack Obama, i hope its for more than for just being the first african-american President. He has the opportunity to construct a real change. A change not just for America, but for the way the world sees America and in time, he could bring about global change. He could be the butterfly who's flapping wings create a storm on the other side of the world. It's possible. Bush did it! His vortex unfortunately for Americans created a black hole that's pushed them to the edge of another great depression.
I've never been the biggest fan of America or tehir foreign policy, but tehre's one thing I do admire. It's the voice of the public. The common man rises up to speak up against tyranny. The American public marched out to protest against the wars in Korea, Vietnam, Iraq, Afganistan (i dont know the others). Black american marched into Washinton demanding equal rights. They stand up for what they believe in. Brash as they may be, it is admirable.
All said and done, it still remains to be seen, what Barack brings to the table in the Oval office. Whether, one of the best marketing and positioning campaigns in recent years (CHANGE) turns out to be just that! Marketing and Positioning speil! Lets hope that it's not. Let's hope taht this time's different. Let's hope for a change.
"So it has been for every generation that faced down the greatest challenges and the most improbable odds to leave their children a world that's better, and kinder, and more just."
It's the most amazing thing to have happened in recent history. A black man is now President of the United States of America. A nation with a history of racial oppression targetted, for the most part, against people who can trace their roots back to Africa. To me, its like the culmination of their struggle. People like Martin Luther King Jr, Malcom X, Rosa Parks, Jesse Owens, Mohammed Ali and many many more led a people tired of being subjugated and discriminated against. They fought for a change and they got it.
Barack Obama is a harbinger of change. From everything America has known before. I'd go as far as to say, from everything the world has seen of America before.
"...change is a foreign policy that doesn't begin and end with a war that should've never been authorized and never been waged."
A far cry from the warmongering of the Bush administration.
However, some parts of Mr. Obama's victory speech left me a little anxious.
"It's time to refocus our efforts on al-Qaeda's leadership and Afghanistan, and rally the world against the common threats of the 21st century - terrorism and nuclear weapons; climate change and poverty; genocide and disease."
"That's what change is.
Change is realising that meeting today's threats requires not just our firepower, but the power of our diplomacy - tough, direct diplomacy where the president of the United States isn't afraid to let any petty dictator know where America stands and what we stand for."
The world doesn't need an intelligent watchdog! I'll admit taht its better than a rabid one but what roel does the UN play. What is the role of an independant global body, if it is controlled, like it has been all these years, by the United States? I just pray that the new US administration does not relate diplomacy to the swinging of a base ball bat.
I watched Obama's victory speech on youtube this afternoon, and what struck me most about the man was his intelligence. His poise and obvious character aside, the intelligence of the man was very evident. His speech was one of strength, courage and humility, one that inspired me (and i'm not even American). Most of all, it had power. To me, it looks like Obama is his own man and will be the change America and the world have been calling for.
At this time of economic uncertainity, we need somebody to steady the ship. The world's markets are inextricably (in the short term) tied to the US economy. So what they go through, we will too, to some extent!
Something about America in the last 5 years reminded me of "Atlas Shrugged" - People think that a liar gains a victory over his victim. What I've learned is that a lie is an act of self-abdication, because one surrenders one's reality to the person to whom one lies, making that person one's master, condemning oneself from then on to faking the sort of reality that person's view requires to be faked. And if one gains the immediate purpose of the lie - the price one pays is the destruction of that which was intended to serve. The man who lies to the world, is the world's slave from then on
The lies, the deceit, the subterfuge. We knew it all along. We let it happen. But who wants to reason with a rottweiller on the charge. It was down to who had the bigger gun, and we all know, in that battle there is going to be only one winner. It's strange therefore that the US has failed to win any of their post WWII attempts at war. Korea, Vietnam, Cuba, Iraq, Afghanistan, Iraq...My explanation for this is that you can only win a war if your cause is just. If your soldiers fighting the war believe in the cause enough to go that extra mile. A cause that makes every single citizen a soldier, ready to sacrifice their life and comfort for the greater common good.
Back to Mr. Obama. In one way it's really not that surprising. Think about it, with the evolution of hip hop and soul into mainstream culture, how many white people now want to be black? Right from the insipid antics of a certain Mr. Ice to Eminem. Who endorses soft drinks and sports equipment. "Times have changed, times are strange, here I come but I ain't the same" Maybe everythings gone topsy turvy. I think its for the best. Integrattion of that kind can only be brought about by culture, music and sport. And thats exactly what's happened.
This takes nothing away from Obama achievement. History will always remember the name of Barack Obama, i hope its for more than for just being the first african-american President. He has the opportunity to construct a real change. A change not just for America, but for the way the world sees America and in time, he could bring about global change. He could be the butterfly who's flapping wings create a storm on the other side of the world. It's possible. Bush did it! His vortex unfortunately for Americans created a black hole that's pushed them to the edge of another great depression.
I've never been the biggest fan of America or tehir foreign policy, but tehre's one thing I do admire. It's the voice of the public. The common man rises up to speak up against tyranny. The American public marched out to protest against the wars in Korea, Vietnam, Iraq, Afganistan (i dont know the others). Black american marched into Washinton demanding equal rights. They stand up for what they believe in. Brash as they may be, it is admirable.
All said and done, it still remains to be seen, what Barack brings to the table in the Oval office. Whether, one of the best marketing and positioning campaigns in recent years (CHANGE) turns out to be just that! Marketing and Positioning speil! Lets hope that it's not. Let's hope taht this time's different. Let's hope for a change.
"So it has been for every generation that faced down the greatest challenges and the most improbable odds to leave their children a world that's better, and kinder, and more just."
Thursday, 16 October 2008
Thor in his magnificence
The title might imply a certain defference to the Norse god of thunder and lightening but its actually a tale of terror, namely mine!
It all started with a bike and a love for the open road. I'm known in some parts to be one of the slowest while in control of a moving vehicle, but thats only because my detractors are speed demons!!! Anyway, one glorious sunny late summer morning, we set out on a 350 km trip on gasolina, my brother's beloved Bullet. Sunny had broken his hand a couple of days earlier so all the riding was upto me. I didn't mind one damn bit, because anyone, who's had to sit on the back of a bike for over an hour knows that it soon begins to feel like your posterior will no longer stay post!
We made our first msitake even before we started. The plan was to egt out by 6:30 so we'd beat the morning traffic and hopefully, just hopefully make good time before the sun came up. No such luck. We got up at 9:00 and left by 10:30. By the teh time we left Bangalore, it was already 11:30. But so much for that. I began my leisurely ride along the Old Madras Road and the bike felt like a dream. Easing in and out of turns, we covered decent ground. The only hitch was the road was lousy, which meant taht eevrytime I picked up some decent speed, we'd run into something that resembled a crater on the moon.
All said and done, the trip was pretty uneventful till we reached chitoor. A good 200 kms done and dusted, at least we were. So we headed to our usual reststop, Mayuri just outside the town. mayuri's famous for its emu biriyani, though thats not what we ate. We stuck to the regular chicken biriyani with some of teh spiciest chicken fry I've ever had. Then it happened.
The wind picked up and rustling the leaves. And slowly but steadily the temperature began to drop. RAIN!
It rained for the better part of an hour and that really put us behind schedule. When it finally stopped, we decided to ride as fast as possible to make up as much ground as we could before it came down again. That, unfortunately, was not to be as we were riding into the rain. But we still managed to reach the main higway before it actually beagn in earnest. And then it rained. this was no ordinary rain. An electric storm. With storng gusts of wind blowing across the road. The palm trees on the side actually looked like tehy were in the middle of a hurricane.
The rain coming down as it was, we decided the best course of action would be to get some shelter and wait it out. So standing under a rickety tea stall overhang, we waited for an hour and a half. To give you an idea of how bad it was, truck drivers were pulling over because of the lousy visibility!
Anyway, half a packet of cigarettes and a lot of deliberating later we got back on the bike. The rain seemed to have abated. trust us not to learn. That night Mother Nature gave me a glimpse of what will happen if we fuck with this planet anymore. With Thor as her aide, she brought the fury of heaven upon us poor mortals. Imagine this. Two extremely wet people on an unprotected vehilce made of cast iron, riding though open fields which had power lines running through them. You can almost guess what happened next. LIGHTENING!!!
Bolts of lightening streamed across the sky hitting the ground on either side of us. Albeit, they hit maybe half a kilometer away but the intensity was plain to see. Close your eyes and then open them up about a couple of inches away from a white light bulb or tube! Thats how bright it is when you look at lightening as close as we did. All I could do was pray. Look ahead, hold the bike in line and pray that we could reach Sri Perumbudur. And it worked. God always comes through, you know. It's only in our most desperate times do we realise this fact.
Anyway, we stopped at Sriperumbur and made a real mess of this pretty posh rest stop. Had some coffee, warmed up, wrung out the clothes and Hallelujah, the rain had stopped. I then hightailed it back to Chennai. Screw being cautious. Lets get home! A little outside Chennai it started pouring again but we didnt care. We'd reached home and tahts all that mattered.
13 hours. For 350 km. 13 hours! is what it took. But it really and truly was the ride of a lifetime. ANd i'm hooked now. Can''t wait to get me my own lil baby and break her on the tarmac on india's highways. Next stop, Gokarna. 800 km, easy! 1 week's trip. 4 days riding, 3 days of chilling out on a white beach with beer and calamari. If anybody's interested let me know.
It all started with a bike and a love for the open road. I'm known in some parts to be one of the slowest while in control of a moving vehicle, but thats only because my detractors are speed demons!!! Anyway, one glorious sunny late summer morning, we set out on a 350 km trip on gasolina, my brother's beloved Bullet. Sunny had broken his hand a couple of days earlier so all the riding was upto me. I didn't mind one damn bit, because anyone, who's had to sit on the back of a bike for over an hour knows that it soon begins to feel like your posterior will no longer stay post!
We made our first msitake even before we started. The plan was to egt out by 6:30 so we'd beat the morning traffic and hopefully, just hopefully make good time before the sun came up. No such luck. We got up at 9:00 and left by 10:30. By the teh time we left Bangalore, it was already 11:30. But so much for that. I began my leisurely ride along the Old Madras Road and the bike felt like a dream. Easing in and out of turns, we covered decent ground. The only hitch was the road was lousy, which meant taht eevrytime I picked up some decent speed, we'd run into something that resembled a crater on the moon.
All said and done, the trip was pretty uneventful till we reached chitoor. A good 200 kms done and dusted, at least we were. So we headed to our usual reststop, Mayuri just outside the town. mayuri's famous for its emu biriyani, though thats not what we ate. We stuck to the regular chicken biriyani with some of teh spiciest chicken fry I've ever had. Then it happened.
The wind picked up and rustling the leaves. And slowly but steadily the temperature began to drop. RAIN!
It rained for the better part of an hour and that really put us behind schedule. When it finally stopped, we decided to ride as fast as possible to make up as much ground as we could before it came down again. That, unfortunately, was not to be as we were riding into the rain. But we still managed to reach the main higway before it actually beagn in earnest. And then it rained. this was no ordinary rain. An electric storm. With storng gusts of wind blowing across the road. The palm trees on the side actually looked like tehy were in the middle of a hurricane.
The rain coming down as it was, we decided the best course of action would be to get some shelter and wait it out. So standing under a rickety tea stall overhang, we waited for an hour and a half. To give you an idea of how bad it was, truck drivers were pulling over because of the lousy visibility!
Anyway, half a packet of cigarettes and a lot of deliberating later we got back on the bike. The rain seemed to have abated. trust us not to learn. That night Mother Nature gave me a glimpse of what will happen if we fuck with this planet anymore. With Thor as her aide, she brought the fury of heaven upon us poor mortals. Imagine this. Two extremely wet people on an unprotected vehilce made of cast iron, riding though open fields which had power lines running through them. You can almost guess what happened next. LIGHTENING!!!
Bolts of lightening streamed across the sky hitting the ground on either side of us. Albeit, they hit maybe half a kilometer away but the intensity was plain to see. Close your eyes and then open them up about a couple of inches away from a white light bulb or tube! Thats how bright it is when you look at lightening as close as we did. All I could do was pray. Look ahead, hold the bike in line and pray that we could reach Sri Perumbudur. And it worked. God always comes through, you know. It's only in our most desperate times do we realise this fact.
Anyway, we stopped at Sriperumbur and made a real mess of this pretty posh rest stop. Had some coffee, warmed up, wrung out the clothes and Hallelujah, the rain had stopped. I then hightailed it back to Chennai. Screw being cautious. Lets get home! A little outside Chennai it started pouring again but we didnt care. We'd reached home and tahts all that mattered.
13 hours. For 350 km. 13 hours! is what it took. But it really and truly was the ride of a lifetime. ANd i'm hooked now. Can''t wait to get me my own lil baby and break her on the tarmac on india's highways. Next stop, Gokarna. 800 km, easy! 1 week's trip. 4 days riding, 3 days of chilling out on a white beach with beer and calamari. If anybody's interested let me know.
Friday, 12 September 2008
Surreal-ity
I spent the better part of last week back in Madras, where the sun shines brightly and the humidity makes you sweat like you've just run a four-minute mile! But thats not what I'm writing about today. I want to tell you about my bus journeys both on the way to Madras and back.
These seemingly disconnected road trips are bound together by the sleep induced surreal events that took place in the middle of the night. A friend of mine once said, "Night time is the best time for criminal activities" in a drunken stupor. In my case nighttime is the best time to experience something that isn't really taking place or sometimes isn't even there.
On the journey to the city of my birth, Lady Luck decided to be good to me and provided me with an A/C ticket for Non A/C price. This could have someting to do with the fact that there were only 7 people booked onto that bus. Anyway, we get on teh road and all is fine until we reach a place called Channasamudra about a hundred kilometers from Madras. It is at this inconsequential location that we suddenly find ourselves politely dragged from our little nooks in the Land of Nod and asked to change buses. It has never happened to me before but what was surreal or what made it surreal was the the presence of a check post about 50 meters away. The whole place was lit up by the dirty yellow of powerful halogens. It felt like we were defectors, political asylum seekers, or refugees trying to cross the border to a more liberal land. Surreal-ity!
It comes at a time of my life when I am looking for asylum, not from persecution or restriction of freedom but from the boundaries and bariers placed on us by society. I'm looking for asylum from mindless following of set precedents. From the inability to think beyond our little worlds. Mostly I'm looking for peace and a new begining.
Madras is my home. I'm comfortable in the city and thankfully, the city is progressing in as much as Bangalore is regressing. I spent five glorius lazy days in the company of friends, old and new, and I knew it was the right decision. All that remaains is for me to keep my focus on the goals I've set for myself and as the song goes "Everything's gonna be alright..."
The ride back was even more surreal. Firstly, the bus took an extra half hour to leave the station and this resulted in me being drenched in sweat. So I left the window open! The cool breeze lulled me to sleep and I passed the fuck out. The cool breeze soon became cold wind which in turn became a frigid blast of icy air! I didnt mind so much but when the bus went through teh wildlife sanctuary in Chitoor, things got a little wierd. I heard wolves howling and even in the the relative protection of the bus it was a little frightening. This sort of this doesn't usually scare me but the effect of sleep, and the cold wind worked togetehr to create some sort of paranoia. I realized that I could shut my jaw, which had dropped due to the cold and couldn't move, because I was, well, asleep!
Anyway, I managed to wake up and shut my dropped jaw but then it seemed to me that we would reach Bangalore, every five minutes. I don't usually dream so this was a pretty traumatic experience for me!
Maybe it was symbolic of coming back to Bangalore. Most likely it isn't. I was dreading coming back but the minute I got off the bus it didn't feel so bad. I like this city more than I care to mention. I love the weather. And I liek that you can do most things without censure. I liek that it's a young city with an old man's attitude. And I like it because I lived here for a year. but it's not home. Maybe Madras is. Maybe not. But I know one thing for sure. I'll never be completely at home anywhere. I'm a wanderer. Always trying to find a home and always just falling short.
These seemingly disconnected road trips are bound together by the sleep induced surreal events that took place in the middle of the night. A friend of mine once said, "Night time is the best time for criminal activities" in a drunken stupor. In my case nighttime is the best time to experience something that isn't really taking place or sometimes isn't even there.
On the journey to the city of my birth, Lady Luck decided to be good to me and provided me with an A/C ticket for Non A/C price. This could have someting to do with the fact that there were only 7 people booked onto that bus. Anyway, we get on teh road and all is fine until we reach a place called Channasamudra about a hundred kilometers from Madras. It is at this inconsequential location that we suddenly find ourselves politely dragged from our little nooks in the Land of Nod and asked to change buses. It has never happened to me before but what was surreal or what made it surreal was the the presence of a check post about 50 meters away. The whole place was lit up by the dirty yellow of powerful halogens. It felt like we were defectors, political asylum seekers, or refugees trying to cross the border to a more liberal land. Surreal-ity!
It comes at a time of my life when I am looking for asylum, not from persecution or restriction of freedom but from the boundaries and bariers placed on us by society. I'm looking for asylum from mindless following of set precedents. From the inability to think beyond our little worlds. Mostly I'm looking for peace and a new begining.
Madras is my home. I'm comfortable in the city and thankfully, the city is progressing in as much as Bangalore is regressing. I spent five glorius lazy days in the company of friends, old and new, and I knew it was the right decision. All that remaains is for me to keep my focus on the goals I've set for myself and as the song goes "Everything's gonna be alright..."
The ride back was even more surreal. Firstly, the bus took an extra half hour to leave the station and this resulted in me being drenched in sweat. So I left the window open! The cool breeze lulled me to sleep and I passed the fuck out. The cool breeze soon became cold wind which in turn became a frigid blast of icy air! I didnt mind so much but when the bus went through teh wildlife sanctuary in Chitoor, things got a little wierd. I heard wolves howling and even in the the relative protection of the bus it was a little frightening. This sort of this doesn't usually scare me but the effect of sleep, and the cold wind worked togetehr to create some sort of paranoia. I realized that I could shut my jaw, which had dropped due to the cold and couldn't move, because I was, well, asleep!
Anyway, I managed to wake up and shut my dropped jaw but then it seemed to me that we would reach Bangalore, every five minutes. I don't usually dream so this was a pretty traumatic experience for me!
Maybe it was symbolic of coming back to Bangalore. Most likely it isn't. I was dreading coming back but the minute I got off the bus it didn't feel so bad. I like this city more than I care to mention. I love the weather. And I liek that you can do most things without censure. I liek that it's a young city with an old man's attitude. And I like it because I lived here for a year. but it's not home. Maybe Madras is. Maybe not. But I know one thing for sure. I'll never be completely at home anywhere. I'm a wanderer. Always trying to find a home and always just falling short.
Friday, 29 August 2008
found it!
this is actually a continuation of the last post!
teh reason it hurt so much was because it was true. ever heard the old saying, "the truth hurts"?
well it does. and part of teh reason, actually most of the reason was because i was pissed off with myself. teh rest was just self pity and a misplaced anger! just like me!
well, it is time to reconsider my existence. just not as dramatically as i might have led you to believe! change is necessary! change is good! a change is coming! a rather dramatic lift from teh worst batman movie ever made (batman and robin!)
tahts it...will be back later and types soemthing more meaningful and with less typos...
teh reason it hurt so much was because it was true. ever heard the old saying, "the truth hurts"?
well it does. and part of teh reason, actually most of the reason was because i was pissed off with myself. teh rest was just self pity and a misplaced anger! just like me!
well, it is time to reconsider my existence. just not as dramatically as i might have led you to believe! change is necessary! change is good! a change is coming! a rather dramatic lift from teh worst batman movie ever made (batman and robin!)
tahts it...will be back later and types soemthing more meaningful and with less typos...
Thursday, 28 August 2008
is there a reason?
is there a reason for anything? is there a purpose for being here? i believe there is, which is what makes me look forward to the future. not tomorrow but past that. the unforseeable future. its exciting and soemtyimes God makes sure that you can see something awesome right up ahead.
but the powers that oppose, the evil in this world, and life in itself throws you curve balls to upset your rhythm. call it chane or fate. call it bad karma. call it a lousy morning. its all the same old shit. something that makes you question the very core of your existence.
or maybe its just hearing your father tell you that you're useless, a burden, and your only contribution to their lives has been to bleed them dry. and when tehy need you the most, you look away, walk away.
well, i understand that we're going through a bad time but somethings go beyond the superficial and cut deep. so deep taht it throws you off balance and you can't think straight. so deep taht you reconsider your existence.
but the powers that oppose, the evil in this world, and life in itself throws you curve balls to upset your rhythm. call it chane or fate. call it bad karma. call it a lousy morning. its all the same old shit. something that makes you question the very core of your existence.
or maybe its just hearing your father tell you that you're useless, a burden, and your only contribution to their lives has been to bleed them dry. and when tehy need you the most, you look away, walk away.
well, i understand that we're going through a bad time but somethings go beyond the superficial and cut deep. so deep taht it throws you off balance and you can't think straight. so deep taht you reconsider your existence.
Friday, 22 August 2008
I need to know!!
It's something that struck me earlier today. Why do we use the wall feature on facebook or the scrap feature on orkut? Is it simply for the ease of communication or is it that at some base level, we want people to know what's going on in our lives. Maybe we want poeple to snoop around, and the fact that they do somehow makes us feel good. It's just a thought, but I think its true.
I'll admit that the main reason is to keep in touch with friends and maybe get in touch with people we've, you know, lost touch with. And it works. It allows you to put your prejudices aside and get though to people you've not spoken to in a long time. If they don't respond then you've probably only wasted around 5 mintues, contributed .00001% to your future carpel tunnel problems, even less contribution to future eye strain and without losing an ounce of self respect. No reply? No care!
I love facebook. It gives me something to do when I'm bored, which I am most of the time. I mean, work isn't really the best distraction and it doesn't really occupy my mind. So I dont really have much to do. Not that Facebook is an intellectuals paradise. Most of the stuff on there is pretty lame, but it allows you to do them without the need to explain yourself. I mean, I could be a Zeus, Snake, an automatic rifleman and a catholic school girl, all the while bring a combination of a werewolf, a zombie and a vampire. Now tell me that isn't cool!
I haven't been blogging much of late. That is an understatement because it's been approximately 2 years since I have seriously blogged. It's more sporadic now but back in the day, for almost a year, I did blog with surprising promptitude. i'm not really big on routines and uniformity but my blog was updzated regularly. And I had something to say. But more importantly, I had somebody who'd read by random rants and the outpouring of my secrets. We formed a sort of bond, some of us on those pages that I think is really cool. I remember three people in particular who have left lasting impressions on me. Miss Contrary, the Mystical Pixie and Lil Miss Disaster, in no particular order.
What drew me most to these three very different ladies was their honesty. You could right from the first line that their page was a manifestation of who they were. They used their blogs as a way to clear their minds, or as Miss C once said, their blog was cathartic. Funnily enough, i was going through the same phase in my life and it drew me to their pages. We've long since left those pages idle, but we still keep in touch, albeit sporadically.
Somehow now, I'm in need of some catharsis. Too long have I been in this rut that I find myself today. And for a while I didn't feel the need to move on. I was happy. Settlled! And not in the mould that all Indian mothers pray for their children. I left the world in a sense to live in my own reality. All the while going through the motins that would be described as everyday life. i wake up, go thework late, mechanically finish my calls and then head home to eat and maybe watch a movie. Routine! And I didn't care because I didn't have to think.
But Gokarna changed all that. It's cliched beyond belief but it's true. Not that I had any sort of spiritual awakening but watching the people around me led to teh conclusion that there's more to life than just being alive. To understand life you have to live it and that means using the greatest gift God has given us, our brain, take some risks and live life. A little pain, some embarrasment here and there, a dash of humiliation and a whole load of critisim will not take away from the euphoria of being alive. The list of adjectives in the previous sentence tells me that I am no better than the Indian authors that I hate so shall stop.
But let me just say this, a man from Jamaica named Usain Bolt ran faster than any man has before. He accomplished a feat that no one els has. He pushed himself to the limit in teh pursuit of a life long dream. Most of us are reluctant to chase our dreams with that kind of passion because we fear that if, if we ever achieve them, we'd have nothing left to strive for. That life would reach it's pinnacle. Where do we go from there? The answer is simple. We move forward, we fight to reach new goals and create new opportunites. Maybe we fight for poeple who cannot fight for themselves. Maybe we open doors that were previously shut. Maybe, just maybe, once we realize our dreams, we go out and help people achieve theirs. We live! We really live. We will fail for sure. Many times, but the taste of defeat will only be so much sweeter on D-day!
Go with God my brothers and sisters. Maybe we'll change the world. Maybe we won't. But we'll have tried and we'll have lived.
Peace and love.
I'll admit that the main reason is to keep in touch with friends and maybe get in touch with people we've, you know, lost touch with. And it works. It allows you to put your prejudices aside and get though to people you've not spoken to in a long time. If they don't respond then you've probably only wasted around 5 mintues, contributed .00001% to your future carpel tunnel problems, even less contribution to future eye strain and without losing an ounce of self respect. No reply? No care!
I love facebook. It gives me something to do when I'm bored, which I am most of the time. I mean, work isn't really the best distraction and it doesn't really occupy my mind. So I dont really have much to do. Not that Facebook is an intellectuals paradise. Most of the stuff on there is pretty lame, but it allows you to do them without the need to explain yourself. I mean, I could be a Zeus, Snake, an automatic rifleman and a catholic school girl, all the while bring a combination of a werewolf, a zombie and a vampire. Now tell me that isn't cool!
I haven't been blogging much of late. That is an understatement because it's been approximately 2 years since I have seriously blogged. It's more sporadic now but back in the day, for almost a year, I did blog with surprising promptitude. i'm not really big on routines and uniformity but my blog was updzated regularly. And I had something to say. But more importantly, I had somebody who'd read by random rants and the outpouring of my secrets. We formed a sort of bond, some of us on those pages that I think is really cool. I remember three people in particular who have left lasting impressions on me. Miss Contrary, the Mystical Pixie and Lil Miss Disaster, in no particular order.
What drew me most to these three very different ladies was their honesty. You could right from the first line that their page was a manifestation of who they were. They used their blogs as a way to clear their minds, or as Miss C once said, their blog was cathartic. Funnily enough, i was going through the same phase in my life and it drew me to their pages. We've long since left those pages idle, but we still keep in touch, albeit sporadically.
Somehow now, I'm in need of some catharsis. Too long have I been in this rut that I find myself today. And for a while I didn't feel the need to move on. I was happy. Settlled! And not in the mould that all Indian mothers pray for their children. I left the world in a sense to live in my own reality. All the while going through the motins that would be described as everyday life. i wake up, go thework late, mechanically finish my calls and then head home to eat and maybe watch a movie. Routine! And I didn't care because I didn't have to think.
But Gokarna changed all that. It's cliched beyond belief but it's true. Not that I had any sort of spiritual awakening but watching the people around me led to teh conclusion that there's more to life than just being alive. To understand life you have to live it and that means using the greatest gift God has given us, our brain, take some risks and live life. A little pain, some embarrasment here and there, a dash of humiliation and a whole load of critisim will not take away from the euphoria of being alive. The list of adjectives in the previous sentence tells me that I am no better than the Indian authors that I hate so shall stop.
But let me just say this, a man from Jamaica named Usain Bolt ran faster than any man has before. He accomplished a feat that no one els has. He pushed himself to the limit in teh pursuit of a life long dream. Most of us are reluctant to chase our dreams with that kind of passion because we fear that if, if we ever achieve them, we'd have nothing left to strive for. That life would reach it's pinnacle. Where do we go from there? The answer is simple. We move forward, we fight to reach new goals and create new opportunites. Maybe we fight for poeple who cannot fight for themselves. Maybe we open doors that were previously shut. Maybe, just maybe, once we realize our dreams, we go out and help people achieve theirs. We live! We really live. We will fail for sure. Many times, but the taste of defeat will only be so much sweeter on D-day!
Go with God my brothers and sisters. Maybe we'll change the world. Maybe we won't. But we'll have tried and we'll have lived.
Peace and love.
Monday, 21 July 2008
what the hell?
the previous post is exactly what is wrong with this pathetic excuse for a bolg. i tried too hard. and you know what. it sucked! sucked! and you know what else is wrong? i'm depressed. read that damned post and tell me if i sound happy. if i do, then it's most likely that i write better than i give myself credit for. and there i go again....
sucked!
why do i need to get every single person on the planet to like me? why? because i sacred that they won't. i'm scared that i will not be able make them smile or think! the question is, does anybody actually give a rat's ass? who cares? not too many people i'm guessing. and it's taken me almost 20 years to understand that (the first 5 have been discounted due to the fact that i probably didn't know what was going on anyway!)
i over this! i really am! saying it again and again is no indicator of me being over this but i am. there has to be some sort of limit to being a whiner. so this ends now!
starting today, i change my life. i change who i purport myself to be! starting today i wake up and set my mind free from the self imposed restrictions.
rebirth!
this is how its going to be. from now on, i am afraid of nothing. if i want to do something, i will do it. if i do not want to do something, i might still do it. and most of all, i will do at least one thing new every single bloody day! why? because its a new me, its a brand new day!
i really shouldn't be writing like this on this blogsite, considering that i put the link on my resume. but this is my thing for the day.
it's all good!
sucked!
why do i need to get every single person on the planet to like me? why? because i sacred that they won't. i'm scared that i will not be able make them smile or think! the question is, does anybody actually give a rat's ass? who cares? not too many people i'm guessing. and it's taken me almost 20 years to understand that (the first 5 have been discounted due to the fact that i probably didn't know what was going on anyway!)
i over this! i really am! saying it again and again is no indicator of me being over this but i am. there has to be some sort of limit to being a whiner. so this ends now!
starting today, i change my life. i change who i purport myself to be! starting today i wake up and set my mind free from the self imposed restrictions.
rebirth!
this is how its going to be. from now on, i am afraid of nothing. if i want to do something, i will do it. if i do not want to do something, i might still do it. and most of all, i will do at least one thing new every single bloody day! why? because its a new me, its a brand new day!
i really shouldn't be writing like this on this blogsite, considering that i put the link on my resume. but this is my thing for the day.
it's all good!
Sunday, 20 July 2008
unexpectedly surprised
Life's funny. Just when you think that you’re bored and tired, something happens and nothing is the same anymore. My last two posts are clearly the ranting of a sad and depressed soul. But somehow the last two weekends have restored my spirit.
I found and old friend and bumped into another. The first restored my faith in myself and the second reminded me of how good my life has been (and still is!!). This is a difficult time for me, but somehow I seem to rediscovered my hope that everything will be alright. Alright and much, much more than that.
I find the need to suddenly make a list! Why is life good? Why am I happy?
Disclaimer: the next three paragraphs are what people might call “self praise” with just a tad of humility thrown into the mix. (I know ‘cause I came back and wrote this disclaimer.)
First, I’m 24, healthy for the most part, got a decent job with prospects of better ones coming my way. I have a family that loves me and I have friends who I can depend on. I mean it really doesn’t get much better than this.
But it does!!! Apart from the basics, I am blessed with more that just average intelligence. It’s a different matter that I choose not to do anything about that. I can hold my own in any conversation and argument because I do know a lot about a lot of things! Its something I call the encyclopedia syndrome - A basic understanding of things but no in depth knowledge. (It’s a double edged sword!!!)
I also know that I’m an inherently nice person. My need to not rub people the wrong way, or to make sure that I do not hurt someone’s feelings is almost compulsive. It’s like I have a phobia for hurting people. This in turn leads to not say a lot of things to a lot of people even if I do know that it will be good for them.
Another thing I am usually extremely proud of is my ability to write. But judging by the last sentence of the previous paragraph, I’d say it needs a lot more work. I think the problem lies in the fact that I’ve almost stopped reading completely!! So if anybody has any suggestions do let me know. I’m desperate. I’ll read anything at this point in time. I’ve been trying to get through this book by James Joyce, but it really is hard work. The language and construction are fabulous but it takes me a minute to actually figure out what he’s trying to say.
The trouble with the whole “blogging” thing is that I seem to have really outgrown it. Most of the friends I made online have gone off(line!!!). I’ve also forgotten why I started blogging in the first place. What made me put my inner most thoughts and feelings on a public forum for the world to see? I think it’s probably to explore myself. To find out who I am through the eyes and words of other people. Anyway, I’m glad I did. Because it really did teach me a lot of things and helped me meet a lot of interesting people. It’s a funny thing. You read somebody’s random thoughts for long enough you begin to feel connected to them. At least, that’s the way it works for me. Sadly, I don’t seem to found anymore people on the same wave length on this site!
I just knew I wanted to write today. I didn’t know what I wanted to write about. And it turned out that my subject for the day was myself. But before I go there’s something that I have to say.
Thank you. All of you, who have touched my life and enriched it in your own special ways. I just hope that I can do the same for you.
Life’s good!
Friday, 23 May 2008
heartbreak hotel (no vacancy)
its the season of broken hearts, a season of near misses and what-ifs. i've expounded on my recent break up till i've grown tired of hearing myself whine. this article isn't about me, well not directly atleast. my narcissistic side wouldn't allow that.
this train of thought started on wednesday night, or ore precisely the wee hours of thursday morning. the biggest game of club football in the world, and for teh first time in its history chelsea had qualified for the final. the boys in blue had done us proud and the blue army around world prayed that this year, this terrible year, would finally bring us the glory that we deserve. the champions league trophy isn't just another cup. its a badge of honour. its crown given to the kings of europe and to us, it gives us bragging rights over everyone else.
the blues have been through a tumultous year. jose went away. the injury and missing players lists at one point read drogba, terry, lampard, shevchenko, ballack, cech, cudicini, ect etc etc. endless was an understatement. to come back from there to come within touching distance of the premiership trophy and get into the final of the champions league is a stupendous achievement.
anybody who watched the game, except maybe united or liverpool fans, would agree that chelsea were the better team for the better part of the game. fate, the woodwork and didier drogba's madness conspired to bring the game to penalties. cech stopped united's wonder boy ronaldo's penalty! the cup was in our grasp. JT, Mr. Chelsea, stepped up to take the final penalty and we knew terr wouldn't miss. the captain wouldn't miss. his final step with his left foot before he let fly unravelled what was to be the perfect story. the keeper went the wrong way and then that slip. at that moment. and the ball went passed the post. at that moment it was done. it was done, leaving not just 11 broken bodies and hearts but also the crushed dreams of millions of fans across the world. mine included.
well, football isn't the end of the world. there's always next year. and life goes on, just like it should. there's too much to see and do in this world to keep us from living life on ours own terms. society, peers, expectations, responsibilities! there are ways by which we can work with these instead of fighting or giving in to them. you and i know that its possible. it is hard. but it is possible. and that is all i need to know. i'm ready for you life, throw whatever curve you want, and i'll hit you straight out of the park! period!
this train of thought started on wednesday night, or ore precisely the wee hours of thursday morning. the biggest game of club football in the world, and for teh first time in its history chelsea had qualified for the final. the boys in blue had done us proud and the blue army around world prayed that this year, this terrible year, would finally bring us the glory that we deserve. the champions league trophy isn't just another cup. its a badge of honour. its crown given to the kings of europe and to us, it gives us bragging rights over everyone else.
the blues have been through a tumultous year. jose went away. the injury and missing players lists at one point read drogba, terry, lampard, shevchenko, ballack, cech, cudicini, ect etc etc. endless was an understatement. to come back from there to come within touching distance of the premiership trophy and get into the final of the champions league is a stupendous achievement.
anybody who watched the game, except maybe united or liverpool fans, would agree that chelsea were the better team for the better part of the game. fate, the woodwork and didier drogba's madness conspired to bring the game to penalties. cech stopped united's wonder boy ronaldo's penalty! the cup was in our grasp. JT, Mr. Chelsea, stepped up to take the final penalty and we knew terr wouldn't miss. the captain wouldn't miss. his final step with his left foot before he let fly unravelled what was to be the perfect story. the keeper went the wrong way and then that slip. at that moment. and the ball went passed the post. at that moment it was done. it was done, leaving not just 11 broken bodies and hearts but also the crushed dreams of millions of fans across the world. mine included.
well, football isn't the end of the world. there's always next year. and life goes on, just like it should. there's too much to see and do in this world to keep us from living life on ours own terms. society, peers, expectations, responsibilities! there are ways by which we can work with these instead of fighting or giving in to them. you and i know that its possible. it is hard. but it is possible. and that is all i need to know. i'm ready for you life, throw whatever curve you want, and i'll hit you straight out of the park! period!
Monday, 19 May 2008
New Beginings
What began on a terrace with a million stars over head, ended on top of a covered drain with nothing but mosquitoes swarming around. Fitting. For what was once beautiful had turned so sour. Luckily, i guess, the end was quite peaceful. Like a terminally ill patient finally welcoming death. But it also left a hole in my heart that will take an age to fill.
What happened to us? How did this go so horribly wrong? We were so perfect together...Life happened! Maybe we weren't so perfect. Maybe we were too different. Maybe we were too much the same. It's all moot now but the questions still ring. How do you get past something like this? How do you leave something behind, something that you're whole life revolved around?
What's done is done and cannot be undone. Maybe it is time for a new beging. We all deserve to be happy right. This way she can probably find someone who'll make her happy. I'll probably do the same. Only time will tell.
I did some of the usual drinking to feel better. Not only did it not work, it also left me feeling a little juvenile and very hungover. But consider this. Over the last couple of days I have actually got up on time for work. My clothes for the week are ready, I'm ot sleeping in office anymore and I actually belive I might be able to start exercising soon. I even went to church on Sunday! After alomst 8 months! It felt good. Though the sermon seemed irrelevant to me. I quite understand that it possibly is the reason why other people go to church. But tio sit there and not understand most of the stuff going on seemed a waste of time. Don't get me wrong, I have nothing against church. But when I want to communicate with God, personally or in a fellowship, I want to communicate with God.
I don't blame her for one moment though. She tried to get me to do all these things. But I was too comfortable in my life to change things. I guess I just have to now. It's imperative. First and foremost, I need to drop some serious weight. I'm like a friggin whale! The fat is begining to show! OH snap! hehe small internal (read: my mind) joke. And I guess my inertia was a possible contributor to the breakdown of our relationship. She's a go-getter she is. I'm the wait-and-it-will-come-to-you type. The end result is probably the same, but the time we take to our respective goals are going to be wildly different.
Now to the bright side of this "sad, sad situation" (song reference, sing if you may). I get to meet a whole new set of women. I smile from ear to ear. It really has been a long time since I thought of other women. I can check out the foxy ladies without having to be told off. And I can flirt with whomever I feel like! NOBODY gets to say squat!
I just realised (which is really lame) that I actually am writing again. Expect a lot more form me now. That book is not too far away. I've also just discovered Joyce. The man is now my personal favourite. When I read the first few pages of Ulysses I didn't really understand too much (now now, lets be condescending or judgemental - I do afterall work in a radio station that plays a song called Jinke Marina some 200 times a day) but as I went further, things started revealing themselves to me. Dialogue stood separately from the prose. And the banter and slang of early 20th Century Dublin slowly unravelled. What was once gibberish slowly beagn to make send and I could see it finally. I mean see it, not read it. Because for me, I have to see what I read in my minds eye.
Thats the beauty of a good book. Of a great story and a fantastic storyteller. The ability to make your readers see with minds eye. How many of you actually saw hobbits in your head before it came on the giant screen? Scarlet O'Hara was so much more beautiful in my head than Vivien Leigh, and that really is something. Also, wasn't Audrey Hepburn absolutely the most beautiful woman to have ever walked this earth!
On that note, with the wonderfully rebellious Scarlett and the unbelievably beautiful Audrey in my head, I shall say adieu. Au revoir. A bien tot. A man of genius makes no mistakes; his errors are volitional and are the portals of discovery. Ah! Joyce! Don't you just love his wit!
P.S. : Leave comments!
What happened to us? How did this go so horribly wrong? We were so perfect together...Life happened! Maybe we weren't so perfect. Maybe we were too different. Maybe we were too much the same. It's all moot now but the questions still ring. How do you get past something like this? How do you leave something behind, something that you're whole life revolved around?
What's done is done and cannot be undone. Maybe it is time for a new beging. We all deserve to be happy right. This way she can probably find someone who'll make her happy. I'll probably do the same. Only time will tell.
I did some of the usual drinking to feel better. Not only did it not work, it also left me feeling a little juvenile and very hungover. But consider this. Over the last couple of days I have actually got up on time for work. My clothes for the week are ready, I'm ot sleeping in office anymore and I actually belive I might be able to start exercising soon. I even went to church on Sunday! After alomst 8 months! It felt good. Though the sermon seemed irrelevant to me. I quite understand that it possibly is the reason why other people go to church. But tio sit there and not understand most of the stuff going on seemed a waste of time. Don't get me wrong, I have nothing against church. But when I want to communicate with God, personally or in a fellowship, I want to communicate with God.
I don't blame her for one moment though. She tried to get me to do all these things. But I was too comfortable in my life to change things. I guess I just have to now. It's imperative. First and foremost, I need to drop some serious weight. I'm like a friggin whale! The fat is begining to show! OH snap! hehe small internal (read: my mind) joke. And I guess my inertia was a possible contributor to the breakdown of our relationship. She's a go-getter she is. I'm the wait-and-it-will-come-to-you type. The end result is probably the same, but the time we take to our respective goals are going to be wildly different.
Now to the bright side of this "sad, sad situation" (song reference, sing if you may). I get to meet a whole new set of women. I smile from ear to ear. It really has been a long time since I thought of other women. I can check out the foxy ladies without having to be told off. And I can flirt with whomever I feel like! NOBODY gets to say squat!
I just realised (which is really lame) that I actually am writing again. Expect a lot more form me now. That book is not too far away. I've also just discovered Joyce. The man is now my personal favourite. When I read the first few pages of Ulysses I didn't really understand too much (now now, lets be condescending or judgemental - I do afterall work in a radio station that plays a song called Jinke Marina some 200 times a day) but as I went further, things started revealing themselves to me. Dialogue stood separately from the prose. And the banter and slang of early 20th Century Dublin slowly unravelled. What was once gibberish slowly beagn to make send and I could see it finally. I mean see it, not read it. Because for me, I have to see what I read in my minds eye.
Thats the beauty of a good book. Of a great story and a fantastic storyteller. The ability to make your readers see with minds eye. How many of you actually saw hobbits in your head before it came on the giant screen? Scarlet O'Hara was so much more beautiful in my head than Vivien Leigh, and that really is something. Also, wasn't Audrey Hepburn absolutely the most beautiful woman to have ever walked this earth!
On that note, with the wonderfully rebellious Scarlett and the unbelievably beautiful Audrey in my head, I shall say adieu. Au revoir. A bien tot. A man of genius makes no mistakes; his errors are volitional and are the portals of discovery. Ah! Joyce! Don't you just love his wit!
P.S. : Leave comments!
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